Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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