alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
