That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
