they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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