The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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