My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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