I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize