I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
