When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
