they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
