I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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