He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
did i walk over a car last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
