I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
