I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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