After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
