If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
