You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize