Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
