No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
