The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
