Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
