And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize