Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
