i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
