I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
