Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
