worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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