K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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