alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
