Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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