I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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