You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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