Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
