So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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