onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We were destined to go to rehab together
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
