John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
