I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
