i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
