I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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