youre lurking in front of me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
