I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
