So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
