Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize