My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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