The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
