somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you win again, gameday.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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