I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Threesome in a minivan. New low
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
