I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
