She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
