i permit you to call me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
