Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your cock deserves a montage
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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