She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
