I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize