One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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