Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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