I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
