Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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