It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
